First Campaigner Challenge - A Killer Sound

I wasn’t sure I was going have time to write something for Rachael Harrie’s First Campaigner Challenge, but I had so much fun last time I really wanted to give it a whirl.  Here are the rules in Rach’s words:

The monster's orange eye

Write a short story/flash fiction story in 200 words or less, excluding the title. It can be in any format, including a poem. Begin the story with the words, “Shadows crept across the wall”. These five words will be included in the word count. 
If you want to give yourself an added challenge (optional), do one or more of these:
end the story with the words: "everything faded." (also included in the word count)
include the word "orange" in the story
write in the same genre you normally write
make your story 200 words exactly!
 
So pushing up against the deadline as usual, here’s my entry.
 
A Killer Sound 
 
Shadows crept across the wall, as Daisy cowered under the bed.
She strived not to make a sound, while squeals of terror rang ‘round her head.
 
Her younger brother crouched in the closet, the door not quite shut;
Far too late to push it closed without risking the monster’s cut.
 
The beast stalked into the room, his feet leaving smears of blood;
And as he peered around, she prayed he’d not hear her heart thud.
 
Just when he turned away to leave, they both heard a frightened squeak;
Her brother had betrayed his hideaway as his terror reached its peak.
 
The creature’s orange eyes grew round, full of predatory glee,
And though Daisy was devastated, she knew this was her chance to flee.
 
But her parents had taught her better than that: they were mice not lowly rats.
It was her duty to protect him, even from brutal tomcats.
 
So she scurried from her safe haven to capture the killer’s eye,
And donned a courageous face to prove she wasn’t scared to die.
 
As her brother scampered to freedom, she had no regrets for the life she’d traded.
Then the feline’s teeth sank deep, and Daisy smiled as everything faded.
 
 
When I started this one, I thought it would be in the same vein as my entry for the first challenge from the last campaign – sort of a companion piece from the POV of a new victim rather than the kitty villain.  So I decided to try my hand at writing a poem to push myself and also set it apart from the first one.  I planned to have a light-hearted, funny ending like the earlier one, but as I was writing, that’s not the direction it took.  Since I was determined to use the “everything faded” ending, it seemed like Daisy had to die, and if she was going to die, I wanted it to be a noble self-sacrifice.  I hope reading this wasn’t too much of a bummer for your day; and if you thought it was worthy, you can go here and vote for #204.
 
I started and ended the poem with the challenge words.  I used the word “orange.”  I usually write YA thriller/horror/suspense, so I think this qualifies.  And it’s exactly 200 words (although meeting that part of the challenge ended up bungling the meter in a few of the stanzas *sad face*).  
 
So are there shadows creeping across your blog wall?  If so, leave a link to let me know where to find your entry.  And if you have any feedback on my entry, please let me know.
 
Photo credit to darkwallz.com

Comments

Valued Visitor's picture

Great to see another poem entered - I liked your twist because my first thought were of two children perhaps having nightmares - then you got me. Well done. (#91)

MISH's picture

This is a refreshing take on the prompt - quite unique - different from any other entry I've read thus far. Well done Jocelyn.
(I'm no. #166)

Ann Cory's picture

Love the poetry - great rhythm - strong entry! Well done :)

Susan Rocan's picture

What a courageous little creature! A nice twist to the old cat and mouse theme - and poetic to boot!

JayeViner's picture

I think for all your original intentions the piece turned out well enough on its own. And given the writing prompt, there's no such thing as a bummer dark entry since most of them have tended that way. :-)

Jess's picture

Oh, this is so sad!! At first I thought they were people! I like the surprise at the end when we find out they're mice! I love it! Great job :)

I'm entry #19

Susan Rocan's picture

Tag, you're it! Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to copy the 11 questions from my blog post entitled 'Tagged, again, among other things', answer them on your blog and tag 7 more bloggers. Have a nice day! :)

Miranda Hardy's picture

That was great. Loved the story in prose. So vivid and endearing.

Meradeth's picture

Fun and unique post! Love that you managed to capture this so well in so few words. Great job!

Jamie Dement (LadyJai)'s picture

Wow, how awesome that was! Love the poetry. envy the rhythm and rhyme :D I just can't do it! And I especially loved that my mind imagined little tiny tots, and then you throw it all at me and I have to change it to mice. :)

Hope you enjoy mine too, #189

J.C. Martin's picture

Awesome! I love how you made it rhyme! Creepy story and a kinda sad ending, but so enjoyable to read!

Rachel Morgan's picture

Wow, that was really well done! Poor Daisy though...

Valued Visitor's picture

Nice entry. Very original. Love the 'predatory glee' = )

I'm #149

Melissa Maygrove's picture

Oops - forgot to list a name. *blush*
I'm #149

Jocelyn Rish's picture

Thanks for all the feedback - I really appreciate it!

Komal's picture

I'm so glad that you did a poem, Jocelyn! It's great to read something different. This was very well done. :)

Cheryl Ham 's picture

So cute that they are mice. So sad that she dies to save her brother. I really enjoyed this. Great job. :D

Traci Kenworth's picture

I like it!!

Kitty's picture

Great entry! This is so original and I love the brave big sister!

Shannon Lawrence's picture

That was great! I liked the self-sacrifice ending more than I would have her making a run for it and leaving her little brother to die. Well done! Sad either way, but I'm all about going out in a blaze of glory!

Shannon at The Warrior Muse, co-host of the 2012 #atozchallenge! Twitter: @AprilA2Z

Julia King's picture

Wow, that was good and so unexpected. *claps* Love how the sister saved her brother. Makes the story memorable. Nice job!

C.M. Brown's picture

Lovely poem! Great rhythm! What a sad ending!

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